NaMoWriMo #5

ok so technically it should be #6. I know the math. but in order to do my one month of writing justice, it will just have to be #5 for now.

so what was I doing last night that I couldn’t write based on the one single promise I made to myself? I wish I could say but my dad reads the blog and I’m going home tomorrow. (sorry appa!) but let me not get ahead of myself.

this weekend is Cascade, a three day intra-college fest that we have every monsoon semester so that we can chill out and have some fun before the end semester final exams mania starts. it’s a fun little way to get the tension out of our system, meet with old and new friends, have good food, dance, and dress up. it’s a party!

now, it was also a Saturday and I have a 3 hour class in the morning. I could only get free by 1:30 pm after which we had lunch and we had a great conversation, thanks to which I did not get to my room before 4. there were two of us, me and my friend, who also had to make an itinerary for an upcoming trip. all in all, we got no work done and finally left for Mahesh. it is this lovely dhabba that we have right in front of our college that serves piping hot paranthas, amazing Maggi, french fries and similar snacks. me and about 7 other people went there yesterday, and with music blaring from our speakers, we had the most amazing time imaginable. I had such good food, such good company, such a good time that it was almost unbelievable. and the cherry on the pie was that we had a DJ night to get back to once we got to the campus. and you all know I’m not one to brag.

anyway, that’s how it was. I had some things to take care of, but I still got to dance for about half an hour. and even after the DJ was over, the conversation was prolonged till it was maybe half past midnight. and it wasn’t anything serious. there were four of us and we kept talking about the most random things before finally retiring. I’m not kidding but I had one of the most fun days yesterday.

so forgive me for not having writing but I was out there, living my life at least once, for a change! even this one I wrote half sleep, but I hope you get the sentiment. this is not the blogging attempt where I give it up four days in. let’s see. thanks for being so cool. also thanks to myself for having stepped out of my comfort zone and having great fun!

NaMoWriMo #3

today was a good day.

this may come across as a surprise, especially since it comes right after my existential crisis but it is true. the effects of the crisis still linger but this time, unlike anytime before, I managed to turn it into something productive, and that did, in fact, make all the difference. it’s so funny to me that the difference between a good day and a bad day depends merely on your action or inaction. maybe also because I’ve tried really hard this week to not resort to the unproductive, isolating activities I’ve indulged in, over the course of the last three years. but whatever the case, I’m happy today and that is what really matters.

the day started off slow, with me missing my 9 am class, because sleep. I was determined to make it to my next and only class on the agenda for today. in feminist theory lecture today, we decided on out final text for the semester, this essay called In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens by Alice Walker. Walker has been on my reading list for so long now so I’m happy about that. it was when I was leaving the class that I met a friend I had not seen for a long time. we talked about the sun and the weather, thesis advisers and proposals, surrogacy, depression, Dadri, placements, and Raag Darbari, and it was such a pleasant conversation to have. towards the end, we even talked about our experiences of the semester, where we discussed the need for positive thinking and the importance of relaxing and taking things lightly.

the thing is that I know what exactly I should do when things aren’t going my way (my dad must be chuckling reading this). more often than not, it is only due to my laziness that I generally don’t end up doing it. I know how I should try to orient my thinking, what thoughts I should filter and what thoughts I should actually have. I know what kind of a thinking (positive) I need to develop to not get wrapped around silly ideas and mental exhaustion. it is only that I don’t end up doing them.

after a similar conversation with my friend over lunch, where we also discussed a couple of things that were bothering her, I retired to my room, fueled (and somewhat warned) by the reality check I got yesterday, where worked for bout an hour, filling applications, looking at instructions, getting my paperwork in order, preparing my schedule and everything else. a little exhausted but also very distracted, I don’t know what struck me. maybe it was my conscience telling me something or maybe it was my sore muscles after my workout from the day before, but I decided I would go to the gym. me, a socially anxious girl who was going to the gym for the first time without a partner, who was going to work out in fit college students, yes, me, decided to go to the gym. and I did. I worked out for about 40 minutes and I felt so…almost vibrant after such a long time. I felt like I was the protagonist of my own show, who’s just overcome this challenge, and on whom the brilliant white light shines from heaven, as the enlightened being transcends all humans to become the first superhuman. it was glorious, and not a word of this is contrived or exaggerated.

anyway, I go for dinner, come back and as I settle into my bed, having changed my clothes and having turned the lights off, I felt this glow in my heart. I felt the love of everyone who loves me and I did something that I rarely do from college. I called my grandparents. first my dada. he told me the same story he has told me before, he asked me the same questions, and he blessed me like he does everyday. but I don’t know why it felt like it worked today. then, I called my nana. I had been thinking of my nana since the morning, about his health and how strong he had looked during Diwali, and seeing his face brought me happiness like I haven’t felt in a long time. I felt so loved, so blessed, hearing him ask me questions, ask me my whereabouts, telling me to come over the weekend. it was the first time in a long time where I actually realized how lucky I am to have grandparents who love me the way mine do. it was with this warm feeling in my heart that I returned to my work.

it’s been about four hours since then, and the feeling hasn’t receded. you know there are times when you feel like everything happened exactly how it was supposed to have happened? that is how I felt today. I felt like everything was exactly where it should have been, like I was exactly where I should have been today, like I did what I should have done today. I felt successful, I felt productive, I felt like I had achieved something. I felt like, I feel like I have a candle in my heart that refuses to burn out, providing me warmth and heat and light. that’s how I feel today.

that’s how I know it is a good day.

NaMoWriMo #2

it’s day 2 of NaMoWriMo, and I’m still writing. if I were you, I would probably commend me for even writing at all, considering the existential crisis I’ve been experiencing since 5:45 pm in the evening. yes, I am having an existential crisis.

the last time I wrote with a commitment to the blog and to my lovely readers was probably when I was nearly finishing high school. I was applying to colleges, to different programs, all the while preparing for my Board examinations, and I was quite worried because the future had never seemed more bleak or uncertain as it had then. it’s funny how history repeats itself.

because after four years, countless memories, uncertain identities and shifting loyalties, I return to writing, and to the blog, in a similar predicament. with four years of college behind me, and having about seven times the knowledge I had before, I am once again applying to colleges, only that it is ten times worse than it was for my undergrad. because this time, there are no do-overs. once I commit, it is for lifelong– rather, it is a life. normally, I would not be so pessimistic in my approach to the future, but the enormity of the situations scares me. the future is not that far anymore, and there is hardly enough time for me to slow down, and take on life one breath at a time.

so, my existential crisis. at 5:03 pm, I walk into my tutorial class. we discussed Kubla Khan for about 40 minutes after which we talked about Biographia Literaria, Coleridge, Mumbai, NET, why you should clear it and how you should prepare for it- in that order. you can probably guess where it is heading my now. my anxiety levels have already risen. it is 5:58 pm now and the next class is to happen in the same room. only then, the TA makes a primer for all the basic exams that any masters’ prospective student should give. evaluation scheme, syllabus, entrance exams, intake, question paper format, she does not spare any details. to add the cherry to the pie, she almost instructs us to apply to SNU as well, citing it to be one of the best in India for English literature. I was weeping internally by this time.

clearly, existential crisis had intensified. what was supposed to be a light tutorial session for a Romantic poem turned into a reality check that was just what I did not need. it will take me three days now, just to return back to my senses. the future is scary, it is uncertain, and I want to put off being in it for as long as I can. I cannot say that I enjoy it here, but I certainly do know what is going to happen, and that is reassurance enough at the moment.

so in honour of the TA being to freak me out, I am going to finish watching Vertigo that I started in the morning today but fell asleep halfway through. this is, I think, my second quality movie in two days. the one I watched yesterday was this amazing Spanish film called Even The Rain. I would definitely recommend it. it is amazing what a small but tight commitment can do. I can actually see my slow disassociation with binging and my engagement with better quality content. I’m saving time, I’m talking to people, I am writing!!

it is in keeping in line with this that I will also attempt to read a couple of articles on the consequences of demonetization due tomorrow morning, 9 am. don’t think I will be able to  get to a couple of pages by Nabakov, but that’s ok since I read for a while between my classes today.

this is day #2 of the NaMoWriMo, and this is Akanksha signing off for the day.

Anouncement

It has been long since I’ve logged into WordPress to blog and a lot has changed since then. I have officially wrapped up my first year of university (I know, can you believe it? It feels like yesterday since I posted on the first night in my hostel room!). I have moved back home and embarked on a three month long summer that has me fidgeting to do anything productive. My hair has grown up to my lower back, and it looks lovely. I have entered my last month as an eighteen year old. I have started reading more books as pdf files since I’ve realized that it is practically free and economically helpful. I have worn out my favorite pair of jeans.

My sister has entered her tenth grade and is prepping well for her board examinations at the end of the year. My mother has completed her training as an Art of Living teacher and taken two courses already. My father has submitted his Ph.D thesis and is training to be an Art of Living teacher. My friend Anusha returned from Thailand and got me nothing (thanks dude!) and Anahita is going to the US for the summer and Palak completed her high schooling and it looking at college options.

Why am I acquainting you all with these changes, and why now?

I have not been  good blogger of late, simply because blogging has not been on the top of my priority list, and let alone the top, it is nowhere on my priority list. I have been avoiding my blog of late because I don’t feel the need to blog anymore. Earlier, this place was an catalyst to let the creative juices flow.  Now, I am writing, but it is not making it to my blog anymore. Maybe it is because somewhere I feel like I am censoring myself. The honesty and truth that I like my work to contain has been restricting me from posting here, for I feel that it is way to personal for such an intimate area, with so many people I know reading it.

That is why I have decided to take a short break from my blog. In the next thirty days, I will continue writing, and I will think about the future of this blog. I don’t want to do something out of guilt or obligation to myself or anyone else because that would not be fair. Maybe all I need is a do over but I am taking this time apart to see how it I really feel about nurturing this blog. In the meanwhile, I shall be extremely happy if any of you get in touch with me to chat if you want.

Until then, I hope that you all have a wonderful time. See you in 30 days.

xoxo, Akanksha

50 Questions Tag

So a few weeks ago, Cynic (as she very kindly lets me call her) from The Finicky  Cynic did a  little 50 Questions Tag which I found very interesting and which is what I am going to do today. While of these questions are quite random, and general, I thought it would be fun and different from the usual poetry that I’ve been posting for quite some time now. Hopefully, my new bloggers friends will get to know me through this, and my old ones a little better.

So here we go-

  1. Were you named after anyone?
    No, not really. My name- Akanksha, means ‘desire’ in Hindi. The story behind my name is that my father heard/saw this name somewhere and decided on it almost immediately: he liked it so much. When I was about to be born, many members of my family tried to convince him to rethink his decision for they worried people might mispronounce or misspell it (which they do all the time!), but to no avail.
  2. When was the last time you cried?
    Well, this is embarrassing because this was precisely two nights ago. I was trying to download a torrent for a movie and in the process, I infected the laptop with a virus. While my father was fixing that, I was also trying to convince him of buying me a hard disc, and which is he adamant to not do. Fast forward four minutes, things got a little out of hand… and I rushed into my room, tears running down my face.
  3. Do you like your handwriting?
    I used to. I had really great handwriting up till class ten but the frantic note taking of eleventh and twelfth class and substituting my laptop for a pen and paper has pretty much robbed me of all my good handwriting practice. Most of the time now, writing things down seems like a pain in the ass.
  4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
    Since there are not a lot of options available in India as per the choice of meat- I’ve only ever had chicken and lamb- I would have to say chicken because I absolutely love it. If given an alternative that doesn’t get me killed and which I like, I’m welcome to change.
  5. Do you have kids?
    Very predictable, but no. Also, I’m only 18, so no way.
  6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
    If I were the person that I am right now, today, this very second, and if I were to meet me, who I am this very second, there is no chance in hell that I’d be friends.
    Let me clarify. I keep to myself so the chances of me going up to someone else, even if we were all strangers in Hunger Games and the only chance of escaping would be to gather five facts about each other, to talk are minus. I’d probably keep expecting the other me to approach me and try to make a conversation. At the same time, if the other  me is also like me, she’ll also do the same thing, and we’ll both never talk for the rest of our lives. So no, we won’t be friends.
  7. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
    I’ve started to recently, ever since I’ve come to college. But I think I need to lose it or I’m going to lose friends over my inability to give a straight answer.
  8. Do you still have your tonsils?
    Yes. I don’t know any people who’ve had them taken out, I think.
  9. Would you bungee jump?
    I like to think I would but realistically, the only way I would is if someone pushes me off the stage (?), and even then, I’d probably wet my pants.
  10. What is your favorite cereal?
    Not a cereal eater, but the last I ate, Kellogg’s Cornflakes.
  11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
    Never have and I don’t think I ever will. Who’d bend down just to do that?
  12. Do you think you are strong?
    Yes. And here, I’d like to borrow one of Cynic’s own hashtags: #Strongindependentwomanwhoneednoman
  13. What is your favorite ice cream?
    Choco-chip all the time, all the way!
  14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
    I think their physique, most probably, I’m not sure. Or their hair.
  15. Red or pink?
    If we are talking about the bright Barbie pink or the ambulance red, then neither. I have no particular affinity to colors that scream. I don’t mind blood red though.
  16. What is the least favorite thing about yourself?
    I have to say, my introversion. I have missed out on a lot of great events and awesome gatherings because of my wish to laze around, watch a movie and eat pasta.
  17. Who do you miss the most?
    My best friend Palak, who shifted to Bombay two years ago. I would actually kill for her to be with me. #longdistancesux
  18. What is the nutrition or fitness strategy that I need to work on the most?
    Well, I’ve been trying to lose some weight on-and-off for the past two years now, and I’ve tried both dieting and exercising and I haven’t been successful. While both are good, and for me it is necessary to do both, I always fall short or one. If I am exercising regularly, I would quit eating healthy and gorge on all sorts of junk, and if I diet, I never exercise. I need to moderate the two of them.
  19. What color shoes are you wearing?
    None, at the moment. Who even blogs while wearing shoes?
  20. What was the last thing you ate?
    Paan. It is an Indian betel leaf after-meal sort of a thing that’s really sweet and refreshing.
  21. What are you listening to right now?
    Again, nothing right now. But I do have Troye Sivan’s ‘Happy Little Pill’ and ‘The Cave’ by Mumford and Sons on repeat this week.
  22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
    I’d be sea blue. I love sea blue color.
  23. Favorite smells?
    The aroma of the food that the aunty on the first floor makes, when we are in our parking lot.
  24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
    My sister. She was out so I asked her to get cake from my favorite bakery. Midnight snacks are so cool!
  25. Mountain hideaway or beach house?
    I love mountains, always have. So a mountain hideaway it is. Also, if you can arrange it in Kashmir, I’ll give you a three of my beloved books.
  26. Favorite sport to watch?
    Cricket. Can’t hit a ball for hell but GO INDIA!
  27. Hair color?
    Black with brown ends at the end under a sun, but only I can see that. I am however thinking of getting my hair dyed blue this summer.
  28. Eye color? 
    Black- I hate it. My roommate has such amazing grey-green eyes and I hate that no one can write poems and songs about my eyes the color of the sky or green the color of sea. Dammit!
  29. Do you wear lenses?
    No glasses, no lenses. I have perfect eyes, thank you very much, even though they are a little small.
  30. Favorite food?
    I have no answer, sorry. For me, food has always been about what I feel like. I eat what appeals to my heart. So I would say it changes, depending on how I am feeling.
  31. Scary movies or happy endings?
    I love happy endings forever. If Bauji hadn’t let go, I’d have killed him- Raj and Simran are meant to be together. Even otherwise, I am hardly scared in horror movies. I am known to have burst out laughing in the hall, watching a particularly scary scene in the Conjuring, so no horror movies anyways.
  32. Last movie you watched?
    I watched Jaane Tu Yaa Jaane Na last completely (also another happy ending). Otherwise, I watched the second half of Whiplash on TV just earlier this evening.
  33. What color shirt are you wearing?
    A poster blue t-shirt that’s probably too old and holey to wear decently now. *I have to keep it safe, ma might just get rid of it.*
  34. Summer or winter?
    Summer, in the early months when the temperature is like 30/32 degrees outside (I mean this is Celsius), or winter in the mountains with a winter wonderland.
  35. Hugs or kisses?
    Hugs to close friends, kisses to mom and dad, and to friends if I am feeling particularly happy. So, most of the time, hugs.
  36. Favorite dessert?
    Can’t name one. My favorites would be Kaju Katli, Gulab Jamun and fruit truffle with whipped cream.
  37. Strength Training or cardio?
    Cardio. Have always done that. Found it more exhaustive.
  38. Computer or television?
    Computer. I can do without all those long, senseless commercials or the lack of change. Plus, a computer (by which I mean a laptop) is way more handy and convenient.
  39. What book are you reading right now?
    Currently, I am reading ‘Unravel Me’ by Taheren Mafi and ‘Love In The Time Of Cholera’ by Garcia Gabriel Marquez. I am also going to start ‘Milk and Honey’ by Rupi Kaur pretty soon too- it is currently waiting on the table in my hostel (I am at home for the weekend) waiting for me to dive into it.
  40. What is on your mouse pad?
    I don’t ave a mouse, let alone a pad for it. I use the finger thing on the laptop.
  41. What color is the moon?
    Yellowish white, I suppose. I am not very sure.
  42. Favorite sound?
    Definitely not the lawn mower outside my hostel room window that starts up every day at seven in the morning and makes up enough racket to wake people up from the dead.
  43. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
    Arctic Monkeys, ha ha.
    Honestly though, have never heard any of them sincerely so I can’t say.
  44. What is the farthest you’ve been from home?
    It either has to be Kashmir, Bangalore or Bhutan. If you bother, look up the distances from New Delhi and please comment. Thanks!
  45. Do you have a special talent?
    Um, I can replicate food recipes really good, and most of the time, I make really good food.
  46. Where were you born?
    Moradabad, in Uttar Pradesh, India. I was just three years old since I moved out from there, so I’ve been living in this area for about fifteen years now.
  47. Where are you living right now?
    Nearabouts New Delhi. It’s not really the city but I would say what you call the NCR region.
  48. What color is your house?
    Our house has different color in each room, and white. So there is each of the rooms have pale green, yellow and lilac plus white. It looks nice!
  49. What color is your car?
    Not my car, my parents. But one is white, and one is metallic blue. I don’t know how to drive a car.
  50. Do you like answering fifty questions?
    I do. And listen to this, I started this Saturday late evening, thinking I’d post this on Sunday, but then, I was really sleepy so I couldn’t finish it. And sunday, I was really busy so I couldn’t complete it. So this weird monday noon time, I’m posting it. But hey- it is still Sunday somewhere, hopefully!

 

Turned out to be a pretty long post! To all who read this, I would encourage you to do it, it’s very fun! Hope you enjoyed it and that you got to know me a little better. See you all again soon 🙂

Update on The World Past Me.

It has been just a little more than a month since I’ve last posted on my blog, and over six months, since I stopped posted continuously. This is an long, overdue explanation for that.

I had trouble writing. The enthusiasm with which I wrote had deserted me, moreover, it felt impersonal. I’ve always written because those were words that I didn’t say, and they needed to be said. They’ve always been from the heart, they’ve always been about things that I felt, or did, or thought; my writing was never about just writing- it was a means for me to express myself.

Lately, more specifically starting last summer, I ran out of things to talk about. I ran out of things to say. I didn’t know what to write. I felt that the one thing that I had with me always had emancipated from myself. What I wrote was a result of my frustration of not being able to write, not being able to feel empty after I’d written, not being able to say what I needed to say. And let me tell you, that isn’t a good place to be. Imagine someone taping your mouth when you are telling them about a very personal event, or not being able to find a recall the word that would say exactly what you want to say and your mind going in circles at that thought and you’ll know what I mean. 

Many of you may also know that it was around the same time that I started my undergraduate studies as an English major in a university about two hours from my house. of course, as a language major, I was also supposed to write a lot. My conviction in my writing only grew weaker, and the feeling of being wordless was engulfing me. I could only write for my courses. I felt that this “academic” writing was draining me of my ability to write, for myself. I wrote, a little, as I said, but they were not writings that I was satisfied with. Their purpose was simple: to keep the blog running. And in that way, an entire semester passed, without me having blogged successfully.

However, last month, at my end semester break, I decided to write anything, poetry , prose, anything that would make me write. And I started a little something. From 11 pm to 3 am, I would sit with a cup of soup or coffee at the dining table in my house, surrounded my a warm blanket and alternate between writing and watching YouTube videos. And I did write; I wrote about 7.5k words in a span of 15 days. I don’t know a lot about these stats, but the important thing is that I wrote. I wrote without deleting every second word and without closing the file in my anger and without getting distracted.

Fifteen days since I last worked on it, I have finally written something today that I am satisfied with, that makes me feel like I’ve done a good job. And it is in celebration of that that I am finally making this post, my first post in the new year that is 2017, that is making me think that yes, I will be more punctilious and adhere to blogging regularly.

Hopefully, this post today will unjinx the bad voodoo that has prevented me from writing, and hopefully, it’ll be the welcome mat for the next, and more frequent posts, on The World Past Me.

A very (late) Happy New Year to everyone. May words always be with you!

 

What I Learnt in My First Month in University

Four days ago was one month since I moved out of my house to the hostel in my university. Here are my observations on how it has been:

1. Some teachers won’t give a damn if you won’t. They won’t bother if you are listening, if you’re napping, if you’re on your cell phones. Your education is in your hands. It is up to you to pay attention.

2. On the other hand, the teachers who do actually teach will not spoonfeed you. They will give you stepping stones, they will tell you what you want, in a manner that’ll make you want to rip off your hair. But at the end, you’ll get an idea of what they were talking about. You’ll be grateful that they didn’t tell you. You’ll be happy that you were able to arrive at what you did without anyone putting thoughts in your head.

3. There are no fixed schedules. Your sleeping pattern revolves around the work you have. You may have a class at 9 in the morning and the paper due the same morning. You will have to work till dawn, you will have to sleep for 3 hours and you’ll have to attend the class. 

4. Which is why, don’t procrastinate. If you do, you’ll have not have the satisfaction of having submitted a paper that you actually like. For the two papers that I’ve submitted so far, I have  worked and I enjoyed the process. Even though it kept me awake till 4, the feeling that I had before going to sleep was unparalleled.

5. You’ll have a lot of free time at hand. For people like me who have classes I only 2 days a week and who are literally the most shy and laziest people in the planet, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of sleep. It’ll beckon you, call you, force you in subordination so much that you’ll sleep 15 hours a day. You’ll have to resist that. I fell into that pattern and believe me, that week, I didn’t have more than 10-12 meals of the 21 meals I should have been having. 

6. Which is why, get involved. One of the best ways you can make friends is by getting involved. Find your interest and go for it. You’ll find your kind of people if you venture out of your comfort zone. Even if you can’t, sit on the quad, go to the library, sit in the café; you’ll find someone to talk to.

7. Saying that, there will come a time when you’ll lose your appetite. The mess food will taste like sand, each meal of each day and you will literally feel your appetite fading. And you would be able to go one for days on just water. At that time, eat. Go to tuck shops, make popcorn, buy a sandwich but eat. Nourishment is important.

8. Have a night out with friends. Just go to the park, and sit there. Walk around, let the dew kiss your feet, play music, wait for the stars to recede. Talk about yourselves, know each other, your pasts, presents, futures. Witness the sunrise, I swear, you’ll feel like you were meant for that day only. (Not to mention, sleep at six and miss the first class of the day!)

9. There will be times when you’ll feel homesick, you’ll feel alone, and miserable. You’ll miss your home, your family, your friends, your school. You’ll feel like crying all the things that you’ve felt since you left home. Cry. Cry your heart out, in the pillow, on a shoulder, in the afternoon, at night after everyone’s asleep. You’ll feel a lot better, you’ll feel lighter, you’ll feel more settled.
10. You are here to learn but you’re here to make memories too. Many of the people you meet will probably end up becoming your closest friends for the rest of your life. Which is why, choose them carefully. I’m not saying don’t talk to anyone. Rather, talk, but make sure that the people you pour your heart out to deserve you. Don’t settle for less. You’re worth a lot more than a toxic relationship. Never demerit yourself. 

These are the few things that I learnt, rather experienced, in the first month. Do they match your college life, or are they not what you experiences? I’d love to hear from you!

Until the next month, then!

An Ode To My Blog

An ode to my blog, that turns five today, that has grown with me, always, through the thick and thin, never ending in its support.

Untitled

This was the day,
about five years ago,
on a whim, pressed enter;
I’ve grown, grown. 
Along the A, 
made some virtual friends
some old and young,
hope mends, mends.
Words come to life,
worlds come to life,
in endless pursuits,
endless strives. 
Furious binaries,
some ink and pen,
everything displayed,
in my little, worldly den.
A thirteen year old,
when hesitation stalled,
now eighteen years old,
I go on and on.

And yes this blog
that grew with her,
turns five today;
motherly love stirs. 
This love affair,
sometimes broken, 
may seem unusual,
but it always repairs. 
So, I write on and on,
and on and on,
and on and on, 
and on and on.

Words Of A Despicable Old Man

The first time I ever experienced an euphoric high
was the one time I was returning from a weekend
getaway, just out of town, when I was eighteen,
and the car glided on the road, and all was quiet,
and the hum of the air conditioner and the
occasional honk from an overtaking car were the
only sounds that could be heard. Of course, there
were seven in the car, and the bag pressed in my
back, and the small speaker I held next to my neck,
played a ballad of rock and roll- of pain and hope, of
misery and destruction and a feeling of deservingness;
the setting sun and the smooth tarmac, the continuous
fence along the side of the road, and the trees that dotted
the highway that I soared on, and the drums and screams
and anguish that dripped from the voices of people who
sang, what seemed to be, lullabies to my aching heart,
made the air purer, and the heart, a little less anguished;
at that time, the mind felt cleared, a one way path,
like it was in the throes of a particularly euphoric orgasm,
and there was something that fit, maybe the lack of
thoughts that had blinded me for everyday of my goddamned
life, and somehow, I felt like salvation was here, and that
perhaps what I had lacked is clarity, for everything looked
as if the it had been washed a hundred thousand times, over
and over again, and with each wash, everything-
the world, the mind, the soul, the universe, stardust, life-
for once, in continuous and perfect symphony, and not a
haphazard, misplaced situation, increased its intensity a
thousand times over. Of course, it happened just that once,
because looking for that feeling again, has left me broken,
miserable, demented, and worst of all, unhappy,
because I spent my goddamned life looking for it,
when I simply could have lived through it, many, many, many
times over, but of course, I was a fool to not know it.