50 Questions Tag

So a few weeks ago, Cynic (as she very kindly lets me call her) from The Finicky  Cynic did a  little 50 Questions Tag which I found very interesting and which is what I am going to do today. While of these questions are quite random, and general, I thought it would be fun and different from the usual poetry that I’ve been posting for quite some time now. Hopefully, my new bloggers friends will get to know me through this, and my old ones a little better.

So here we go-

  1. Were you named after anyone?
    No, not really. My name- Akanksha, means ‘desire’ in Hindi. The story behind my name is that my father heard/saw this name somewhere and decided on it almost immediately: he liked it so much. When I was about to be born, many members of my family tried to convince him to rethink his decision for they worried people might mispronounce or misspell it (which they do all the time!), but to no avail.
  2. When was the last time you cried?
    Well, this is embarrassing because this was precisely two nights ago. I was trying to download a torrent for a movie and in the process, I infected the laptop with a virus. While my father was fixing that, I was also trying to convince him of buying me a hard disc, and which is he adamant to not do. Fast forward four minutes, things got a little out of hand… and I rushed into my room, tears running down my face.
  3. Do you like your handwriting?
    I used to. I had really great handwriting up till class ten but the frantic note taking of eleventh and twelfth class and substituting my laptop for a pen and paper has pretty much robbed me of all my good handwriting practice. Most of the time now, writing things down seems like a pain in the ass.
  4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
    Since there are not a lot of options available in India as per the choice of meat- I’ve only ever had chicken and lamb- I would have to say chicken because I absolutely love it. If given an alternative that doesn’t get me killed and which I like, I’m welcome to change.
  5. Do you have kids?
    Very predictable, but no. Also, I’m only 18, so no way.
  6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
    If I were the person that I am right now, today, this very second, and if I were to meet me, who I am this very second, there is no chance in hell that I’d be friends.
    Let me clarify. I keep to myself so the chances of me going up to someone else, even if we were all strangers in Hunger Games and the only chance of escaping would be to gather five facts about each other, to talk are minus. I’d probably keep expecting the other me to approach me and try to make a conversation. At the same time, if the other  me is also like me, she’ll also do the same thing, and we’ll both never talk for the rest of our lives. So no, we won’t be friends.
  7. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
    I’ve started to recently, ever since I’ve come to college. But I think I need to lose it or I’m going to lose friends over my inability to give a straight answer.
  8. Do you still have your tonsils?
    Yes. I don’t know any people who’ve had them taken out, I think.
  9. Would you bungee jump?
    I like to think I would but realistically, the only way I would is if someone pushes me off the stage (?), and even then, I’d probably wet my pants.
  10. What is your favorite cereal?
    Not a cereal eater, but the last I ate, Kellogg’s Cornflakes.
  11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
    Never have and I don’t think I ever will. Who’d bend down just to do that?
  12. Do you think you are strong?
    Yes. And here, I’d like to borrow one of Cynic’s own hashtags: #Strongindependentwomanwhoneednoman
  13. What is your favorite ice cream?
    Choco-chip all the time, all the way!
  14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
    I think their physique, most probably, I’m not sure. Or their hair.
  15. Red or pink?
    If we are talking about the bright Barbie pink or the ambulance red, then neither. I have no particular affinity to colors that scream. I don’t mind blood red though.
  16. What is the least favorite thing about yourself?
    I have to say, my introversion. I have missed out on a lot of great events and awesome gatherings because of my wish to laze around, watch a movie and eat pasta.
  17. Who do you miss the most?
    My best friend Palak, who shifted to Bombay two years ago. I would actually kill for her to be with me. #longdistancesux
  18. What is the nutrition or fitness strategy that I need to work on the most?
    Well, I’ve been trying to lose some weight on-and-off for the past two years now, and I’ve tried both dieting and exercising and I haven’t been successful. While both are good, and for me it is necessary to do both, I always fall short or one. If I am exercising regularly, I would quit eating healthy and gorge on all sorts of junk, and if I diet, I never exercise. I need to moderate the two of them.
  19. What color shoes are you wearing?
    None, at the moment. Who even blogs while wearing shoes?
  20. What was the last thing you ate?
    Paan. It is an Indian betel leaf after-meal sort of a thing that’s really sweet and refreshing.
  21. What are you listening to right now?
    Again, nothing right now. But I do have Troye Sivan’s ‘Happy Little Pill’ and ‘The Cave’ by Mumford and Sons on repeat this week.
  22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
    I’d be sea blue. I love sea blue color.
  23. Favorite smells?
    The aroma of the food that the aunty on the first floor makes, when we are in our parking lot.
  24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
    My sister. She was out so I asked her to get cake from my favorite bakery. Midnight snacks are so cool!
  25. Mountain hideaway or beach house?
    I love mountains, always have. So a mountain hideaway it is. Also, if you can arrange it in Kashmir, I’ll give you a three of my beloved books.
  26. Favorite sport to watch?
    Cricket. Can’t hit a ball for hell but GO INDIA!
  27. Hair color?
    Black with brown ends at the end under a sun, but only I can see that. I am however thinking of getting my hair dyed blue this summer.
  28. Eye color? 
    Black- I hate it. My roommate has such amazing grey-green eyes and I hate that no one can write poems and songs about my eyes the color of the sky or green the color of sea. Dammit!
  29. Do you wear lenses?
    No glasses, no lenses. I have perfect eyes, thank you very much, even though they are a little small.
  30. Favorite food?
    I have no answer, sorry. For me, food has always been about what I feel like. I eat what appeals to my heart. So I would say it changes, depending on how I am feeling.
  31. Scary movies or happy endings?
    I love happy endings forever. If Bauji hadn’t let go, I’d have killed him- Raj and Simran are meant to be together. Even otherwise, I am hardly scared in horror movies. I am known to have burst out laughing in the hall, watching a particularly scary scene in the Conjuring, so no horror movies anyways.
  32. Last movie you watched?
    I watched Jaane Tu Yaa Jaane Na last completely (also another happy ending). Otherwise, I watched the second half of Whiplash on TV just earlier this evening.
  33. What color shirt are you wearing?
    A poster blue t-shirt that’s probably too old and holey to wear decently now. *I have to keep it safe, ma might just get rid of it.*
  34. Summer or winter?
    Summer, in the early months when the temperature is like 30/32 degrees outside (I mean this is Celsius), or winter in the mountains with a winter wonderland.
  35. Hugs or kisses?
    Hugs to close friends, kisses to mom and dad, and to friends if I am feeling particularly happy. So, most of the time, hugs.
  36. Favorite dessert?
    Can’t name one. My favorites would be Kaju Katli, Gulab Jamun and fruit truffle with whipped cream.
  37. Strength Training or cardio?
    Cardio. Have always done that. Found it more exhaustive.
  38. Computer or television?
    Computer. I can do without all those long, senseless commercials or the lack of change. Plus, a computer (by which I mean a laptop) is way more handy and convenient.
  39. What book are you reading right now?
    Currently, I am reading ‘Unravel Me’ by Taheren Mafi and ‘Love In The Time Of Cholera’ by Garcia Gabriel Marquez. I am also going to start ‘Milk and Honey’ by Rupi Kaur pretty soon too- it is currently waiting on the table in my hostel (I am at home for the weekend) waiting for me to dive into it.
  40. What is on your mouse pad?
    I don’t ave a mouse, let alone a pad for it. I use the finger thing on the laptop.
  41. What color is the moon?
    Yellowish white, I suppose. I am not very sure.
  42. Favorite sound?
    Definitely not the lawn mower outside my hostel room window that starts up every day at seven in the morning and makes up enough racket to wake people up from the dead.
  43. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
    Arctic Monkeys, ha ha.
    Honestly though, have never heard any of them sincerely so I can’t say.
  44. What is the farthest you’ve been from home?
    It either has to be Kashmir, Bangalore or Bhutan. If you bother, look up the distances from New Delhi and please comment. Thanks!
  45. Do you have a special talent?
    Um, I can replicate food recipes really good, and most of the time, I make really good food.
  46. Where were you born?
    Moradabad, in Uttar Pradesh, India. I was just three years old since I moved out from there, so I’ve been living in this area for about fifteen years now.
  47. Where are you living right now?
    Nearabouts New Delhi. It’s not really the city but I would say what you call the NCR region.
  48. What color is your house?
    Our house has different color in each room, and white. So there is each of the rooms have pale green, yellow and lilac plus white. It looks nice!
  49. What color is your car?
    Not my car, my parents. But one is white, and one is metallic blue. I don’t know how to drive a car.
  50. Do you like answering fifty questions?
    I do. And listen to this, I started this Saturday late evening, thinking I’d post this on Sunday, but then, I was really sleepy so I couldn’t finish it. And sunday, I was really busy so I couldn’t complete it. So this weird monday noon time, I’m posting it. But hey- it is still Sunday somewhere, hopefully!

 

Turned out to be a pretty long post! To all who read this, I would encourage you to do it, it’s very fun! Hope you enjoyed it and that you got to know me a little better. See you all again soon 🙂

My Diary

IMG_20170119_125332.jpg

You appear inflated, the pages that
I have browsed through repeatedly
are dog-eared, stained, and smeared;
the remnants of the pages I tore,
with secrets spattered like spilled ink
haunt me like ghosts, for they remind me
of a time when love was forbidden;
and the different ink that I started
to use, halfway through, brings alive
the pen that wrote of my first kiss;
running my hand across my own scrawny
print, smudged slightly in the corners,
ignites in my fingertips the same urgency
I had felt, twelve years ago, to release
the anger I felt towards my friend,
the night of my eighteenth birthday;
and the movie stub I stuck on your
last page, fell out today, immediately
transporting me to the last movie
I watched with my mother, ever-
You hold memories that photographs
can never do for me, for I chose to capture
these moments, they are mine; you ignite in me
a desire to inhale you, to take every word
in, to back in time, to live again the words
I diligently wrote, and which you never
told; you have held my life in leaves, sewn
so delicately-

Take me, fly me away, be my time machine
when it gets too much.

An Instruction Manual for a Gravedigger.

Step 1: You turn off your emotions,
that constriction in your chest just might
make it difficult for you to dig, when the snow
has covered every inch of the equally marked landscape;
identifiable by names, relationships- by how people saw them.

Step 2: Don’t let the seed of gloom
plant itself in your heart, you don’t need
a growth that cannot be weeded out; the silence
interrupted by the rhythmic thawing of the land need
not be layered with an unhappiness that is not yours to begin with.

Step 3: Along with every clump of soil
that your spade collects from the ground,
say a little prayer; what you are digging it for
will soon melt- the skin will integrate with the soil,
and the evidence of any wrongs the body had done to
anyone else, will cease to exist. Say a prayer that the hurt
are delivered their justice, so that one end doesn’t bring others.

Step 4: Know that each body will return
to haunt you one day, when you are tossing
in bed, late at night, unable to separate yourself
from the fingernails that are scratching your back, hurting
you; their frozen masks of fears, hatred, happiness, forever
etched in your mind like stone, will surround you, try to overcome
you. At that time, close your eyes and hope for forgiveness, from whatever
haunting them; maybe the next night, you’ll sleep tight, having put their demons to rest.

Step5: Remember this, for I know, what
you do is never who you are- don’t let the freshly
covered grave enchant you with its heavy barrenness;
there is nothing immoral of what you do; don’t distance
yourself from the living, or you might as well, dig a grave for your
own self. Plant flowers near the headstone, wait for them to bloom,
learn that no ending is beautiful; it is merely the start of something new.

Update on The World Past Me.

It has been just a little more than a month since I’ve last posted on my blog, and over six months, since I stopped posted continuously. This is an long, overdue explanation for that.

I had trouble writing. The enthusiasm with which I wrote had deserted me, moreover, it felt impersonal. I’ve always written because those were words that I didn’t say, and they needed to be said. They’ve always been from the heart, they’ve always been about things that I felt, or did, or thought; my writing was never about just writing- it was a means for me to express myself.

Lately, more specifically starting last summer, I ran out of things to talk about. I ran out of things to say. I didn’t know what to write. I felt that the one thing that I had with me always had emancipated from myself. What I wrote was a result of my frustration of not being able to write, not being able to feel empty after I’d written, not being able to say what I needed to say. And let me tell you, that isn’t a good place to be. Imagine someone taping your mouth when you are telling them about a very personal event, or not being able to find a recall the word that would say exactly what you want to say and your mind going in circles at that thought and you’ll know what I mean. 

Many of you may also know that it was around the same time that I started my undergraduate studies as an English major in a university about two hours from my house. of course, as a language major, I was also supposed to write a lot. My conviction in my writing only grew weaker, and the feeling of being wordless was engulfing me. I could only write for my courses. I felt that this “academic” writing was draining me of my ability to write, for myself. I wrote, a little, as I said, but they were not writings that I was satisfied with. Their purpose was simple: to keep the blog running. And in that way, an entire semester passed, without me having blogged successfully.

However, last month, at my end semester break, I decided to write anything, poetry , prose, anything that would make me write. And I started a little something. From 11 pm to 3 am, I would sit with a cup of soup or coffee at the dining table in my house, surrounded my a warm blanket and alternate between writing and watching YouTube videos. And I did write; I wrote about 7.5k words in a span of 15 days. I don’t know a lot about these stats, but the important thing is that I wrote. I wrote without deleting every second word and without closing the file in my anger and without getting distracted.

Fifteen days since I last worked on it, I have finally written something today that I am satisfied with, that makes me feel like I’ve done a good job. And it is in celebration of that that I am finally making this post, my first post in the new year that is 2017, that is making me think that yes, I will be more punctilious and adhere to blogging regularly.

Hopefully, this post today will unjinx the bad voodoo that has prevented me from writing, and hopefully, it’ll be the welcome mat for the next, and more frequent posts, on The World Past Me.

A very (late) Happy New Year to everyone. May words always be with you!