April 6, 11 pm
I wish I was never born, I wish I was never like the way I am now. I wish I could disappear from the face of the earth, with my few essentials and maybe, Alex, and never see Adrian or Jules or Nick or anybody again. Ever since dad got kicked out, I’ve had many dreams of him, where we go to a secluded forest lake and fish till all the fishes are caught. Sometimes, I see a man with a blurred face, and me, only four years old, when this man comes and picks me up and takes me away. I am pretty sure that is dad. It’s just the way he was, so kind, so peaceful, so loving, and all now seems so unfamiliar, surreal.
I knew that my dad would come one day and save me from this damned world and carry me with him, to that secluded lake in the forest I dreamt of. But yesterday, I saw an entirely different vision. I dreamt that the trailer beside the lake where I and dad lived had been burned down, and there were echoes of raucous laughter in the forest. Jules and Adrian are standing there, looking down at me, not helping me or calming me in anywhere. Suddenly, dad emerges into the scene with a knife stabbed in his back, and he dies. He dies. Then I woke up, sweating hard.
Why is it that the people we love the most are often the ones who hurt us the most? Why is it that all the people who I loved, who loved me back and who were the dearest to me have deserted me?
They were cowards. All the people who I trusted, with the exception of Alex, the people who I had faith in, turned out to be cowards. They couldn’t bear to fight the evil, the people who were bad to them, just like my dad, who couldn’t fight my mom, when she kicked him out. When he tried to make amends. When he could have avoided being stabbed.
I had been living in a bubble, a fairy tale, where everything turned out to be right at the end. Of course the truth now dawns upon me. This world that we live in is no more than a rat race, where everyone wished to be one step ahead of the rest. There are two ways it can be done, 1) Push the other behind you and 2) Run faster than the rest. Unfortunately for us, we prefer the first.
That is what Jules is doing. That is what everyone is doing. If the entire world’s an ocean, and the people on it are the fish, I’m sure I and Alex would be the deepest.
I have seen it in Alex’s eyes, her insecurity, lack of care, unconcerned and unwanted in the family, just like me. I have seen her dreams, her aspirations, unfulfilled just like mine. I have seen her love and care, unused and unseen by many, just like mine. And so she has built a wall around her, a wall penetrable by only love, pure love, devotion and serenity, just like mine. A wall breakable and penetrable by those who are truthful to self, honest to their family, humble of their achievements, fearless like the tiger, passionate like the flame of a candle, ever-consuming, thoughtful of the world and a sincere lover…. Just like me. I wish.