Unravelling Broken Threads: Chapter 4

Chapters Format

April 6, 11 pm

Dear Diary,

I wish I was never born, I wish I was never like the way I am now. I wish I could disappear from the face of the earth, with my few essentials and maybe, Alex, and never see Adrian or Jules or Nick or anybody again. Ever since dad got kicked out, I’ve had many dreams of him, where we go to a secluded forest lake and fish till all the fishes are caught. Sometimes, I see a man with a blurred face, and me, only four years old, when this man comes and picks me up and takes me away. I am pretty sure that is dad. It’s just the way he was, so kind, so peaceful, so loving, and all now seems so unfamiliar, surreal.

I knew that my dad would come one day and save me from this damned world and carry me with him, to that secluded lake in the forest I dreamt of. But yesterday, I saw an entirely different vision. I dreamt that the trailer beside the lake where I and dad lived had been burned down, and there were echoes of raucous laughter in the forest. Jules and Adrian are standing there, looking down at me, not helping me or calming me in anywhere. Suddenly, dad emerges into the scene with a knife stabbed in his back, and he dies. He dies. Then I woke up, sweating hard.

Why is it that the people we love the most are often the ones who hurt us the most? Why is it that all the people who I loved, who loved me back and who were the dearest to me have deserted me?

They were cowards. All the people who I trusted, with the exception of Alex, the people who I had faith in, turned out to be cowards. They couldn’t bear to fight the evil, the people who were bad to them, just like my dad, who couldn’t fight my mom, when she kicked him out. When he tried to make amends. When he could have avoided being stabbed.

I had been living in a bubble, a fairy tale, where everything turned out to be right at the end. Of course the truth now dawns upon me. This world that we live in is no more than a rat race, where everyone wished to be one step ahead of the rest. There are two ways it can be done, 1) Push the other behind you and 2) Run faster than the rest. Unfortunately for us, we prefer the first.

That is what Jules is doing. That is what everyone is doing. If the entire world’s an ocean, and the people on it are the fish, I’m sure I and Alex would be the deepest.

I have seen it in Alex’s eyes, her insecurity, lack of care, unconcerned and unwanted in the family, just like me. I have seen her dreams, her aspirations, unfulfilled just like mine. I have seen her love and care, unused and unseen by many, just like mine. And so she has built a wall around her, a wall penetrable by only love, pure love, devotion and serenity, just like mine. A wall breakable and penetrable by those who are truthful to self, honest to their family, humble of their achievements, fearless like the tiger, passionate like the flame of a candle, ever-consuming, thoughtful of the world and a sincere lover…. Just like me. I wish.

Jennifer.

23 things to do before I am 23.

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Because this list is just amazing! And Rashmi is a great writer, except she doesn’t blog much (see: at all!)

Just eclectic.

1)    Visit the Harry Potter Theme Park.

2)    Be part of a New York flash mob.

3)    Meet Lord Disick.

4)    Buy a paper shredder and an antique typewriter.

5)    Meet the cast of Friends at Central Perk.

6)    Sing at a karaoke.

7)    Run a full marathon, and then win it, of course!

8)    Travel to all 7 continents.

9)    Sky-diving.

10)   Visit 221B Baker Street.

11)  Do the no pants subway ride.

12)  Go to Las Vegas, and have an experience like in the movie The Hangover.

13)  Visit the Titanic wreckage on a submarine.

14)  Duct tape someone to a wall.

15)  Say to someone “I will skinn you”, and then actually do it.

16)  Work at the Alcor and perform cryonics.

17)  Pretend to be drowning in order to get a hot lifeguard to save you at the Bondi Beach.

18)  Host the show Man vs…

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Music Today: 08/08/2015

Saathi Haath Badana: Naya Daur

Releasing Year: 1957

This song unexpectedly sprang to my mind while I was in school today, at a free period. And since then, from early morning, till then dispersal, I kept singing this sound in an extremely nasal and an irritating voice, much to my friends’ dismay. The message is brilliant, how we should work together and how we should have team spirit, and that it is actually in our class 7/8 textbook but I found the found it itself really dismal and gloomy. Imagine the torture I inflicted on my friends with this song the entire day! 😛

Pocket Stories #6

Baby getting out of the tube

“Fuck,” she screamed as she realized what she had said. He rushed after him and said, holding him as he struggled to release his hand, “Honey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that! Jeff, are you listening to me Jeff?”

He wrestled his arm free. “I don’t want to. That’s enough, okay? I’ve had enough of it,” he yelled at her. “I want to end it all! It was a big mistake trying to contact you! I must be bonkers to have thought that talking to you would help. Just look at the state of you! You look like you came out of a gutter, you look like shit, you are homeless and you stink.”

“But Jeff, why don’t you give me one other chance, please, Jeff…”

“I’m done, please release my hand,” he interrupted her icely. She let go. He turned his back and walked away. Blurred eyes that focused somewhere far away than the retreating back she was staring at, she reflected upon her life, wondering how, from a wife and a mother, she was reduced to a surrogate mother. Then she knew. His father certainly knew how to pull strings.